


can't help but wonder where I'm bound

by lolamit



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Evak - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Long, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, POV Isak, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9256799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolamit/pseuds/lolamit
Summary: Sometimes I just want something to happen. I’ve grown quite tired of doing the same thing, day in, day out, knowing the rut by heart. Knowing just how life will play out, and watching as it does so. Sometimes I just wantanythingto happen.Isak had never felt special. He’d never looked at himself as someone who really, truly mattered, but more as someone who just,was there. Kind of like an insignificant drop of rain in a thunderstorm or another grain of sand on a beach. Just there, without doubt and reason.Or: how Isak learned to love himself without the need to depend on others.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty long one and lacks a lot of dialogue since it focuses on Isak's thoughts and inner struggles with accepting himself as someone who matters. Basically what I think was going on inside his head all through season three. 
> 
> Hope you like it!

_Sometimes I just want something to happen. I’ve grown quite tired of doing the same thing, day in, day out, knowing the rut by heart. Knowing just how life will play out, and watching as it does so. Sometimes I just want_ anything _to happen._

Isak had never felt special. He’d never looked at himself as someone who really, truly mattered, but more as someone who just, _was there_. Kind of like an insignificant drop of rain in a thunderstorm or another grain of sand on a beach. Just there, without doubt and reason. He knew this was a toxic way of viewing oneself, but he couldn’t help feeling like his life didn’t really amount to anything, except pushing the people around him on in their stories. 

He just felt as though his life always revolved around other people, and maybe this was because he let it be that way, or maybe he just wasn’t meant to have his own story. When Jonas started dating Ingrid, Isak’s life suddenly adjusted to theirs, and when Jonas broke up with Ingrid to be with Eva, Isak once again transformed his own life, molding it to fit his friends perfectly. Perhaps he did it so he wouldn’t feel left out. Although he knew deep down that Jonas cared for him, no matter if Isak was a piece from a completely different puzzle. Yet he couldn’t let himself be his own person. 

He loved his friends – possibly too much – and would always take their thoughts and feelings into account, even if he wasn’t always so good at expressing it. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt somebody he loved, and if he knew where to draw the line because of exceptional intuition, or because he’d learnt the hard way, he wasn’t completely sure. But he knew that he never meant to hurt Eva. Or Jonas for that matter. He just didn’t know when he’d reached that line until he found himself meddling in the middle, unaware he’d gone too far until it was too late. And though it wasn’t his relationship that crashed and burned, he couldn’t help but feel like the world came spiraling down on him, because after all, his entire life had been shaped after the two people he’d driven apart. So now he had to reform himself once again – choose between his friends, though the choice was obvious. 

So naturally he felt a little fed up with himself, when almost a year later he was still clinging onto Jonas and his story for dear life, still not allowing himself to be a person with his own will. And in no way does he blame Jonas or any of his other friends for this, he only blamed himself, because it was a conscious choice after all. Though now he was starting to grow sick of it, biting his tongue every time he said something without thinking first, because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt _anybody_. 

He didn’t know how to react when he felt himself separate from the people around him, sensing he was different in a way he couldn’t quite explain, and was utmost reluctant to acknowledge. Though he couldn’t help wanting to explore it, hoping that somewhere in the cracks between himself and his friends there was clarity, a story of his own. But as said before, he couldn’t cross the line, sticking to what he knew and what he was used to so as to not let anyone else suffer for his inability to keep himself on a leash. 

So when the day came when he first laid eyes on the boy across the cafeteria, his mind was beyond conflicted. Because for the first time, he felt a longing in his chest that had never been there before. A longing he wasn’t certain he should follow, or simply just ignore, because _this boy_ wasn’t a part of Jonas’ story. This boy wasn’t a part of Magnus’ story, or Mahdi’s, or Eva’s, or anyone he knew. So could this mean he was meant for Isak’s story? Could he be the very beginning of what Isak for so long had forced himself to disregard and suppress? Could it _really_ –

Isak didn’t finish his thought, because the boy had moved his eyes so effortlessly and let them fall directly on Isak’s, so he looked away. For even though this boy might be meant for Isak, he wasn’t sure he was ready to let himself be meant for someone new. He wasn’t sure he was ready to have a story of his own, to have reason, to have will and thoughts and urges to explore. His heart screamed _go deeper_ whilst his mind told him to stay put and he had no clue which to follow and which to ignore. He’d begged for something to happen and when _something_ finally did, he couldn’t figure out which feelings were which and whether he should take the risk of creating more cracks in his current form, molded to fit a life that wasn’t his own, just to see things out with a boy he’d never seen before. 

He decided to follow his mind, keeping the leash around his neck and pulling at it every time he let his eyes wander to the blonde boy across the schoolyard, or in the hallway, or anywhere. The air getting caught in his lungs when he pulled too hard. But it was the only way. 

 

When Friday came around he once again found himself in the middle of something he hadn’t planned to even be a part of, and blamed his concentration for being pointed elsewhere for the past week. He’d let the cracks open up wide enough to upset his friends, and have them bail on him when he tried to make up for past mistakes. So when the reason behind his lack of focus walked into the room, he felt his heart beat faster and his mind scream _run away_. 

He didn’t run, however, at least not straight away. He left, not thinking. Walked through the school corridors, thinking far too much. Played games on his phone in the bathroom, trying to make sense of his thoughts. Nothing worked. And when he left the stall he was sat in, seeing _that boy_ calmly washing his hands, he couldn’t find any other reason than that he was meant to be in Isak’s life. 

So when the boy took paper towel after paper towel, clearly meant to catch Isak’s attention, and then plucked the joint from behind his ear and told Isak to join him outside, whether he’d follow or not had already been decided. And for the first time in what felt like forever, Isak felt almost certain that this moment was meant just for him. Just for them to meet, because if once is chance and twice is coincidence then this must be more than just a first meeting. 

And so Isak followed, accepted a smoke and chatted with the stranger he’d been waiting for to enter his life. It wasn’t like he’d been hit by lightning, or felt some strange force pulling him closer and closer to the boy, it was simple. Despite his heart beating hard and loud and his hands getting clammy and his cheeks heating up, he felt calm. Even when they were interrupted and joined by a third person, he felt alright, because he knew that this was just the beginning. He knew that this was how they were supposed to meet, and he knew that if he’d just let himself remold into his own person, this wouldn’t be the last time he’d see the boy. His story begins here. His story begins with Even.

 

***  
Isak felt like he was losing his mind. It kept thinking the same thing over and over and over without an end. _Even_. A name, a simple, normal, completely ordinary name. It felt like his chest was on fire every time he let his thoughts slip back into this daydream he’d constructed. The cracks growing wider and wider and Isak didn’t want them to stop. He’d found his story now, after all this time of standing in the shadows and adjusting to the people around him. He’d found _Even_. And that clearly meant something, if Isak only could figure out where to go next. 

He found out Even’s full name, looked him up on every possible social media but fell short of profiles to stalk. Instead he found a video – an interview with his truly – and so he watched, and watched, and kept watching until he knew it by heart. And then he watched it again. 

He dove into the world of Even, checking every clue he’d given in the video, every interest. He looked up Baz Luhrmann, watched Romeo and Juliet, googled epic love stories and whether they truly needed the main character to die to earn the title. He smiled and cried and dropped the leash completely, letting it hang by his side instead of holding it in his hand, feeling freer than he ever had before. He felt his body melting into a new shape, aware that the cracks between himself and his friends would grow so big and evident, but not caring because that new shape was Even, and Isak couldn’t wait to form himself according to him. 

 

Another Friday arrived and Isak had promised his friends to go to a party at Emma’s house and get them beer as well. He didn’t feel in the mood to party all that much, but he’d realized that even though he didn’t mind the cracks growing, he didn’t want them to split entirely, and that meant he still had to hang and talk and be with his friends. Because he didn’t want to hurt, nor lose them. But that was no longer the last thing he wanted to do, that spot had been taken over by _losing Even_. 

So naturally, when Even so conveniently greeted him on the tram he had to say _something_ , and since Even was older, Isak thought he could kill two birds with one stone. 

“You’re eighteen, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You think you can get some beers for me?”

And Even could, had he not forgotten his ID at home, but Isak didn’t mind all that much because Even had asked him to come with and Isak could do nothing but follow. 

Suddenly he found himself in Even’s apartment, smoking, drinking, eating, laughing. He felt so free he almost wanted to rip the leash off once and for all, but kept it hanging when he received texts from his friends and Emma, all asking about tonight. The air got a little thicker as he lied, because he couldn’t possibly explain why he was sitting on a kitchen counter in the apartment belonging to someone he’d spoken with twice. 

But he didn’t mind all that much, because soon he was laughing again. That smile on Even’s face lighting up the entire room and the way his eyes crinkled when he couldn’t keep himself from laughing at Isak’s rapping created butterflies in Isak’s stomach and made his body feel as light as a feather. He couldn’t believe he’d found someone who was there just for him. Who listened to him talk and seemed interested in what he had to say. Who let him stick around when the people he’d invited over came around. 

Isak had rather spent the evening alone with Even, but forced himself to his feet to greet the three people who’d entered the room. And suddenly his featherlike body felt like an anvil being dropped into the Mariana Trench, sinking, sinking, sinking, until his lungs filled with water and his head imploded by the pressure. How could he have been so wrong?

The minutes felt like hours when Even kissed Sonja after introducing her as _‘my girlfriend’_ , and Isak forced himself to look away. Smiled reluctantly when someone talked to him, the burning in his chest making it hard to breathe but he couldn’t let it show. Instead he listened to their conversations, unable to think of anything he could possibly contribute, and therefor remained silent. Even was the only one who tried inviting him back, asking him questions and shooting him glances every once in a while, and Isak politely answered or nodded, never quite meeting Even’s eyes because he was afraid he might cry. 

After about an hour he decided to leave, feeling as though the world had reached its end and been reborn by then. He didn’t meet Even’s eyes as he spoke, or as he followed him to the door, or as he handed him his jacket. Instead he said a quiet _thanks_ and left before Even could respond. His heart had sunken so low and he didn’t know what to do, because here he was, the cracks bigger than ever before and all for a boy who had a story of his own. 

Isak didn’t sleep that night, the thoughts keeping him awake, plaguing his mind like whips on a bare back. He wondered if Even was sleeping, and if so, was he sleeping with Sonja? He reread the texts from his friends, who’d found out about his lies and he felt guilty, not only for lying but for letting himself drift this far away. He pulled the leash a little tighter, making sure it knew its place around his neck and forcing his mind to repeat _it is not your story_ until the words were engraved in the very core of his memory. 

The next day he met up with Jonas and Mahdi, desperately trying to come up with something to tell them because he though he felt bad about lying, he couldn’t come clean now. He couldn’t tell them that he’d met Even and spent the entire afternoon at his place, ditching his friends in the process. He couldn’t mention Even at all, or there’d be questions such as _‘why didn’t you invite us?’_ and _‘who even is that?’_ and _‘are you gay or something?’_ and Isak could not bear to answer those. 

Instead he blamed his mother, knowing that his friend knew she was a soft spot and would most likely let Isak get away with it. Though Mahdi didn’t quite let him off the hook, Jonas didn’t hesitate to ask if everything was alright. And Isak nodded, because everything _was_ alright, he’d just had a slip-up. 

He tried getting back on his feet, forcing himself to stand even when the ground was shaking beneath him because that’s what people do. They don’t give up after one small mistake. He reconnected with his friends who didn’t seem to have noticed the colossal cracks in their forms, and though he tried and tried to force the thoughts out of his head, he still found himself taking an online quiz testing his sexuality. 20% gay. Does that mean he’s bi? Does that mean he might not be as different as he thinks? Perhaps he could focus on the 80% of him that was supposedly straight, and use that to repress Even and concentrate on Emma. And so he googled _how to get turned on by girls if you’re gay_ and mentally noted every piece of advice he could find, because something was ought to work. 

By the next morning he’d almost forgotten Even completely, or at least he wasn’t constantly on his mind. Isak could feel his form being remolded to the shape it had been before, slowly going back to the way things were, even though there was a part of him that screamed _no_. Things were starting to feel the same again, his life once again lacking much meaning, and he found himself inviting Emma to the pre-party Vilde had forced him to host on Friday.

He also found himself joining his friends wherever they went, keeping his eyes glued to the floor to make sure they didn’t glide across the room, searching for a certain someone. And when the four of them were sat watching a horde of girls dancing, he made his very best effort to understand what was so goddamn attractive about them.

He fell short. And since he couldn’t relate to his friends’ awestruck faces, and since he didn’t want to seem different, he commented on the guy leading the dance audition. 

“Does that guy really need to be that gay?”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you notice? He’s, like, ultra-gay.”

“What’s the deal with you dissing people for being gay?”

“I’m not dissing him, but it was really obvious.”

“Yeah, but… Like, you’re just pointing out that he is gay? Really good observation, Isak.”

Isak was confused. Apparently the cracks were wider than he’d thought if even Jonas snapped at him. A part of Isak wanted to apologize and explain and shout to the world that _I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!_ But instead he snapped back, because that’s what boys do.

“What’s with you today?”

“With me?”

“Yeah, you’ve been super pissed.”

“What? Me!?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the one who’s been like, super snotty about everything!”

“Snotty!?”

“Yeah! Even when we got into the classroom you were all-“

“The fuck are you talking about?”

Isak knew he’d acted a bit weird, and understood Jonas’ sudden outburst, but they didn’t have time to finish the conversation as they were interrupted by a fifth person. 

“Hey! You forgot this on Friday.”

Isak’s eyes widened as he met recognized the voice immediately and met Even’s look as he tossed the snapback in Isak’s lap. He was paralyzed, unable to move or speak or even turn his head away and let go of Even’s eyes. He’d done such a good job keeping himself in line, not thinking about Even as if he was the messiah of his life, but now, everything came crashing down and before he knew it, Mahdi had asked where he’d forgotten it and Even had shrugged and told him _‘in the cafeteria’_. 

So when his friends asked who Even was once he’d walked out of earshot, Isak told them he was some nerd from Vilde’s revue group and before anyone could question him, Magnus was talking about his kinky dominatrix dream starring Vilde. And after that it was like it had never happened. No one brought up Even in conversation and when Friday arrived, Isak lied about the pre-party he so reluctantly hosted when his friends asked about his plans. A part of him not wanting them there _just in case_ Even would show up, because how would he explain their acquaintance? 

 

*** 

Isak didn’t mind talking with Emma. She was nice and laughed at his attempt at jokes and knew nothing about 90’s hiphop or Nas. However, he wasn’t as comfortable when she put his hand on her breast, saying something Isak didn’t quite hear because Even had just entered the room, Sonja by his side. Isak didn’t want to be happy, but the butterflies in his stomach were undeniable so he forced that energy onto Emma and kissed her whilst his mind was shouting Even’s name. 

And as if the boy had read his mind, he plopped down on the couch next to Emma, mentioning something about Kosegruppa that Isak couldn’t hear. He didn’t really pay attention to what Even and Emma were discussing until he heard Even contradict Emma’s previous comment about gay people all being hilarious. 

“Don’t you think that’s a bit of a superficial generalization?” 

Isak turned his head almost instantly, meeting Even’s eyes as Emma asked what he meant, and he kept them there till Emma was looking at him, not wanting to seem more interested in Even than in Emma. And while the two kept arguing his eyes kept gliding back to Even’s though he focused on keeping them on Emma, and before he knew it, he was being dragged up to dance. And he smiled and he laughed and didn’t mind Emma at all, but no matter how hard he tried his eyes eventually searched for Even across the room. And they found him – and Sonja – dancing and making out and so Isak watched them as Emma kissed him, and forced himself to kiss her back but he couldn’t keep his eyes from drifting back to Even. His chest burning and his heart sinking. But then suddenly, Even’s eyes opened or moved from Sonja and met Isak’s and it felt as though time stopped for a moment. Isak’s brain shut off completely as he stared into Even’s eyes and forgot entirely about Emma who continued kissing him even though he was incapable of keeping up. He closed his eyes, imagining the lips brushing against his own weren’t Emma’s, but Even’s instead and if he didn’t know better, he’d think that was the one thing keeping him on his feet.

The pre-party ended not too long after that, everyone splitting taxis and leaving for the actual party, while Isak stayed to clean up. He had no desire to party tonight. And his eyes briefly met Even’s before Emma came over telling him she was going to split a cab with Sonja and Even, and Isak politely declined her offer of going with them. 

So when Even suddenly showed up in the kitchen after everyone had left, he was beyond surprised. His heart racing and wasn’t sure what to make of the situation. Even talked, telling a story about Sonja that Isak didn’t particularly care much for, but he played along. And when Even laughed at how easily he’d fallen for his joke about Sonja’s foot, he laughed along, asking how he could joke about such a thing. And after more joking and talking he turned his head down, not wanting to meet Even’s eyes again because he was standing _so close_ and Isak didn’t want to do something he’d later regret. But when Even didn’t say anything and Isak noticed he was moving closer until he could feel Even’s cheek against his own and his instincts took over though in his mind he was pulling the leash harder and harder. He leaned in, in disbelief that he was seconds away from kissing Even and as if some higher power didn’t want them to go further, there was a loud thud in the next room. 

Isak quickly turned away, afraid of getting caught and wondering who was still here, and when he turned a corner and spotted Noora in the middle of the living room, he could barely believe his eyes. 

 

***

Isak didn’t care much about anything besides Even for the following week. His mind was completely occupied replaying what could have been last Friday, _if only_. He applauded himself when he managed to keep both his friends and Even in his life, while also separate. And he promised to help give Magnus a birthday he’d late forget, and said yes when Even asked if he’d go to the Halloween party with him. He felt hopeful, like it was possible to keep your closeness to your friends whilst letting yourself form around a new person. He realized that maybe you didn’t have to choose just one, and that you could fill the cracks with another, if they fit. 

And though his hopes dropped slightly when he realized he’d attend the Halloween party with Emma, and Sonja and Even would just pre-drink with them, he still let his mind think that _maybe this was how it was supposed to be_. And so when Sonja and Emma left the room, and Even asked for the time and then told Isak that they should leave, Isak hesitated shortly, but knew he’d hate himself if he didn’t take this chance.   
And he was so glad he did, because sitting behind Even on his bike might seem like nothing special but the way Isak’s heart was thumping and his stomach tickled what something out of the ordinary. He watched in confusion as Even told him he wanted to go for a swim, but followed regardless, and when Even broke into what he argued was his aunt’s basement, he also obeyed. Because Even _was_ meant for Isak’s story, and he wouldn’t throw that away for a little breaking and entering. 

He’d never felt so happy and so terrified at the same time before. The way Even carelessly removed his wig and beard, revealing his face from under his God costume, made him nervously tug at his own costume as they exchange some banter. He felt himself losing all control over his body, dropping the leash he’d still held around his neck, because he was free now. In the presence of Even he could be his true self and he glowed with anticipation. In the water, out of the water. It didn’t really matter as long as they were both there, and Isak smiled at the way Even challenged him to see who could hold their breath longer. 

“On three. No on one.”

Even counted down and on one they both inhaled before going down underwater. Everything slowed down. Time, their movements, everything. And when Even’s hands grabbed hold around Isak’s neck he fought it off, not letting Even make him lose. But it seemed Even wouldn’t let him win either, and as the boy moved closer and closer Isak frowned, not understanding until the very last moment what was going on. And then their lips met. 

Isak reached the surface first, gasping for air, not entirely sure how to react as Even exclaimed _’I won!’_.

“That’s cheating!” 

“Do you think there are any rules here?”

Isak couldn’t help laughing. Even had _kissed him_ , even if it was just to win a stupid competition, and when Even suggested they go again Isak was quick to agree. Because he knew now. What he wanted and how to get it. What part Even was supposed to play in his story. Where his story was supposed to go.

And so he kissed Even, and Even kissed him back, and they emerged from the water and reached the surface but they didn’t stop. This was still happening and Isak could barely believe it. His life felt meaningful, he’d found _reason_ , and right as he noticed someone in the corner of his eye, he ripped the leash off of his neck, because he didn’t need it anymore. 

 

***

Nothing mattered. 

Isak was lying in Even’s arms and he had done so since last night, and truly, nothing mattered except the two of them, in this exact moment in time. He never wanted it to end, wanted to feel Even’s body against his own and kiss his lips for hours on empty. He wanted to talk about anything that popped into his head and listen to Even as he laughed because he had never heard a laugh quite so beautiful. Everything was perfect, though Even’s phone kept buzzing and Even kept ignoring it, Isak didn’t care about anything else than this moment. 

Saturday went by so fast, and Isak could feel his form detach more and more from Jonas and his friends and mold together with Even. Perhaps because of the way their bodies hadn’t separated from each other for a day, except brief moments, but it didn’t really matter, because this was their story. 

 

So when Isak woke up the following morning and realized Even had left, his heart didn’t sink quite as deep, because Even had left a drawing on his pillow that showed this universe, and a completely different one in the same time. Isak’s heart smiled, and it didn’t stop smiling until Even took several hours to answer his text and then didn’t show up at school the next day. And though his heart worried for Even, his mind scorned him for forgetting about Magnus’ birthday and allowing the cracks to grow so immense that soon there was nothing keeping them together. His friends didn’t shut him out, but they were wary and upset, and Isak knew they had a reason but he couldn’t help getting vexed at their lack of empathy, soon realizing they didn’t _know_ they were supposed to be empathetic because Isak, like usually, hadn’t told them. 

Isak worried about most things now, why Even wasn’t in school and how exactly he’d make it up to his friends and how he’d explain to Emma what had happened and keep his housemates from asking questions. He thought maybe the world had played him for a fool and allowed him to be happy and free for a while so he could crash and burn harder than he ever had before. But then Even showed up, while Isak had gym class and he followed Even without hesitation because that is how things worked between them. And Even said he’d told Sonja about Isak and Isak’s cheeks exposed his fluttering heart, happy that Even was happy and taken almost completely off-guard when Even kissed him, his breath hitching as their lips parted. 

“What do you think your parents would say if you started dating me?”

Even’s question made him think. He’d barely spoken to his parents since he moved in with Eskild and Linn, and if he were to be honest, they were his least concern at the moment. 

“I think it would be fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Or, my dad probably wouldn’t mind.”

Isak said and Even asked about his mother and Isak tried to explain the best he could that his mother was insane. Though the choice of word was harsh, Isak couldn’t bear to explain what was actually going on with his mom, and quite frankly, right now he didn’t care. His dad left so why should he have to stay to pick up the pieces?

Even looked away, if only for a second, and Isak hesitated before asking the same question back to him. And with the school bell ringing in the background, Even placed a hand on the side of Isak’s face and let his eyes shift from Isak’s eyes to his lips and back to his eyes before he spoke his verdict. 

“I think they’d love you.” 

Then they kissed and he was gone again. But Isak knew now that Even and Sonja had taken a break and Even had asked what his parents would think if they were to date. And that was enough to keep him going. 

So when Eskild carefully brought up Even’s name, Isak told him about them, and once he had he felt his body get just a little lighter. Eskild’s face lit up and Isak rolled his eyes at his enthusiasm but did it lovingly, because Eskild just wanted Isak to be happy. But Isak quickly realized how different they were, he and Eskild, and he loved that they now had something in common, and he loved Eskild, but the words came out so wrong. Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe he was releasing years and years of internalized homophobia and made it seem like Isak had a problem with Eskild, which he did not have even the slightest. Even if Eskild annoyed him at times, and nearly drove him mad at others, it was never because of the things spilling out of Isak’s mouth. So when Eskild told him that he should think long and hard before putting himself above Gay Pride, he felt a thousand needles pierce his skin as he tried to explain that he _wasn’t trying to_. But Eskild’s opinion remained and honestly, Isak wasn’t sure if he’d meant to put himself above it or not. 

And as if things couldn’t get worse, the text making his phone buzz took what was left of Isak’s hope and crumbled it to pieces. 

_“I know it’s my fault, but I need time, sorry.”_

He didn’t understand. What went wrong? Why did he suddenly need time after seeming so eager yesterday? Nothing made sense, and Isak wanted nothing more than to erase this day out of existence. 

 

He couldn’t, though. And before he knew it, it was Friday and he found himself at Magnus’ house, pre-drinking with his friends and no matter how hard he tried to force a smile on his face, it didn’t work. They didn’t seem to notice, or maybe they just didn’t care, which Isak couldn’t really blame them for, considering the way he’d been acting. 

He didn’t really listen to what they were talking about until the name Emma was brought up, and every head turned to him as he explained that using Isak to get into Emma’s party would not work. Of course, they didn’t believe him, since the last they’d heard, she was giving him a blowjob at a party and accompanying him to the Halloween party. They had no idea how he’d ditched her to hang out with Even. They had no idea about Even at all, and Isak would prefer to keep it that way. 

So after a while he gave in and finds himself outside Emma’s house, reluctantly waiting as Jonas tries to get them in. Some guys at the door won’t let them and Isak doesn’t mind until he spots _him_ inside, _smiling_. He’s not quite sure what he’s saying at this point, but somehow he got himself inside and his eyes searched for Even in a crowd of teenagers and _there he is_. But before he could make his way over, he ran into someone, swallowing hard as he met Emma’s eyes. Her voice was sharp as she asked what he was doing there, and Isak tried his best to make himself forgiven but she wouldn’t have it. And suddenly his secret’s out. How Emma found out about his feelings, he had no clue, but she knew, and that knocked Isak’s focus out completely. She pushed past him and in his state of _what-the-fuck-just-happened_ his eyes travel up and lands on Even, now standing next to Sonja, now kissing Sonja, and the floor beneath him vanished and he fell down, down, down. 

He needed air, needed to breathe, needed to _get the hell out of there_ , and he pushed past everyone until he reached the door. His friends confused as to why they would leave when they’d only been there a few minutes, and it only takes one snarky comment from Mahdi to get him riled up. But Mahdi doesn’t want to fight, and Jonas doesn’t understand why Isak is acting the way he is and Isak wouldn’t be able to explain if he so wanted to. Instead he leaves, heart crushed and chest burning out, his lungs filling up with ash and he can’t breathe as the tears start to roll down his face. How could he have been so _stupid_? His body wasn’t holding on to anyone anymore, the cracks between himself and his friends weren’t just cracks, they were separated, entirely. Isak’s form had crumbled and didn’t fit any puzzle anymore and he cursed himself for falling apart. 

 

***

Nothing mattered.

Because no one cared and he didn’t either. Isak’s housemates barely knocking on his door anymore and his phone hadn’t made a sound in days. He’d fallen off the face of the earth and he couldn’t give a single care. All he wanted was to disappear and never return. 

But he did return, because school was important even though he didn’t care about it at the moment. He forced himself back, scared what people would say, and afraid of meeting anyone. He kept his head low when he walked across the schoolyard, music blasting in his ears and when he collided with someone he was surprised, but unaffected. 

He got nervous when he spotted Jonas by his locker, greeting him and trying to act as if nothing had happened. Jonas seemed fine, talked the way he used to and when Isak asked if Mahdi was still mad, Jonas told him that no one was mad, just concerned. And Isak had to explain himself once again since he never opened up about anything in his life. But he didn’t tell the truth. He didn’t tell him about Even and the kisses and the reason he’d missed Magnus’ birthday, because he didn’t want to. He wanted to forget that ever happened and wished everything would go back to normal, to when Isak’s life was adjusted to Jonas’ and to when they told each other everything. So Isak apologized, not for lying, but for what he had lied about, keeping the dishonesty in circulation and he was almost certain that Jonas could tell. 

“Okay… But, let me know, if you want to talk about it.”

Isak didn’t. 

 

He continued wallowing in self-pity, wanting people to _just understand_ but no one ever did. He couldn’t sleep, the thoughts in his head still clawing away at his sanity as he lay awake hour after hour. He’d almost reached the edge when he read the messages in the group chat he shared with his housemates. Apparently Linn took sleeping pills that kept her from hearing Eskild’s loud sex life and Isak figured that if he couldn’t sleep, he could at least allow himself some help. 

At first he was going to steal just one from Linn, to see if they actually worked. But since Linn rarely left her room, it was difficult to do so without raising suspicion. So instead he booked a meeting with the school nurse and asked her if she could give him anything. Had he known she was going to try and force him to see a therapist and _actually open up about his problems_ , he would never had gone, and he argued when she said he needed to talk to someone.

“Every person is an island. And the only bridge across to others, is through words. And as long as we don’t talk to each other, we end up becoming lonely little islands, that are high on pills. Just like Ibiza, do you get what I’m saying?”

Isak didn’t. At least not quite, and her further explanation didn’t help much until she told him _“The point is, you can’t keep isolating yourself. Everything is harder alone.”_ And though Isak’s survival instinct had always been to distance himself from all and everyone, he was starting to believe she might have a point. 

So although his hands wouldn’t stop shaking and his voice trembled as he spoke, he asked Jonas to hang out, and he had decided that he needs to tell _someone_ , and who better than his best friend. He was relieved when Jonas acted no differently, just the same way he always had, and though Isak was still nervous beyond measure, he knew he could trust his friend and he finally did what he probably should’ve done a long time ago. He opened up. 

And Jonas frowned when he made him guess the person he liked, but he did and he guessed wrong and wrong again, and when Isak gave him a hint he didn’t bat an eye. Instead he made Isak laugh, asking if it was him that Isak liked and he laughed along after Isak had said no. Then he guessed again and this time correctly, and Isak eagerly told him Even’s name when he asked. And suddenly the world didn’t seem as cruel and gray anymore, and Isak’s tarnished shape started to reform again, growing closer to Jonas and Isak sighed with relief. At least some things were working out.

As a phone rang, Jonas and Isak both reached into their pockets and though the call was for Jonas, Isak found something much more interesting in his jacket. A piece of paper he couldn’t remember putting there and when he opened he understood why. It was from Even. The same type with two boxes, in which one contained Isak eating a cheese toastie alone, and the other the two of them together, with the same text about two different universes, at the same exact time. Isak couldn’t help but smile, because this meant Even hadn’t given up, right? And though he didn’t want to get his hopes up, he couldn’t help feeling like his story might not be over after all. 

So he thought long and hard on how to thank Even for the drawing, wanting to ask a hundred questions but knowing he had space for just one. Besides, he didn’t want to push Even further away, and when Even didn’t respond, his previous worries came flooding back, because _maybe_ he’d been wrong again. 

Eskild’s words of wisdom didn’t exactly help either, according to his experiences boys with girlfriends rarely left their girlfriends for other boys, even though they say they will. So although hope was circling his bloodstream, firing his insides up with wishes and what ifs, he still heard that voice in his head, whispering _give up_. 

But he didn’t care anymore. He had his friends back, and though Even hadn’t responded he had a feeling things weren’t over and he let himself indulge in his hopefulness. Even when Vilde texted him asking if it was true that he was gay. Though he was definitely taken off guard and pressed her to tell him who she’d heard it from without giving her a straight answer, a part of him _wanted_ people to know. Because if they already knew, Isak wouldn’t have to tell them.

Of course it didn’t work like that though, and Isak soon realized that his friends should hear it from him, instead of by some rumor, but the word travels fast and Magnus and Mahdi had already heard. Isak wanted to scream at the way they turned it into a joke, Magnus laughing at the thought of Isak and Mahdi fighting because Isak is gay and Mahdi a homophobe. None of the other guys found it too amusing, and Magnus quieted down and said he’d told people Isak had a family thing and that was the reason behind the fight. Mahdi got upset at the fact people even called it a fight, since all that happened was that Isak pushed Mahdi and then stormed off, and Magnus told him to relax.

Isak’s heart was beating loud, it _had_ to be now, this was his chance to tell them and as he glanced over at Jonas, who discreetly hinted at the guys, he found some sort of courage to speak up. 

And he did, and there was a moment of silence and possibly disbelief before Magnus broke it. 

“The fuck, are you gay?”

“I’m not gay. Well, maybe I’m a little gay, but, it’s not as though… I’m not keen on you guys, for example. It’s not as though I’m keen on all guys all the time.”

Isak felt himself rambling but couldn’t stop. He needed this out and he needed it out now. He was quite surprised at how they reacted, still a little shocked but quickly moving onto discuss whether he was gay or bi or pansexual and he was so glad they didn’t freak out or turned it against him. 

 

Isak could barely believe it. How things were going so _well_ , not only with his friends but hopefully with Even too, as he reread the drawing that had fallen out of his locker. 

_“Miss you.”_

He’d actually written that he missed Isak in the response to his text he never sent. And god know Isak missed him too. 

 

***

It was Friday night and Isak was hosting his friends’ pre-party, or more of a pre-get together, as it was just him, Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus. He didn’t mind though, and he felt just fine even though his mind kept trailing back to the drawing Even had given him. Of course, Jonas caught on and suddenly the whole group was talking about it, helping Isak understand and tell Even off unless he actually wanted more from him. And for the first time in so, so long, Even replied, and the boys guided him through how to text back. No reply. Isak’s hope diminished.

So when the doorbell rang and Isak looked out the window to see who it was, he was surprised, because it was _him_! It was Even! And he couldn’t have gotten rid of his friends faster even though they wanted to meet this mystery man Isak had hidden from them, but that had to wait because tonight was about one thing. Isak and Even, and what the hell they were doing. 

Isak tried to be strong, didn’t want to forgive and forget straight away, and somehow a part of him wished he’d never ripped the leash off because had he still had it on, he could’ve possibly have stopped himself. But as he opened the door, greeting Even, not able to look away, he didn’t care. How mad he ever wanted to be at him, he simply couldn’t. He could never hate Even, because his love for him was way too strong, way too forceful, and before he knew it their lips were crashing together, savoring each moment for he’d longed for this so long. 

He was happy, _so happy_ , and he didn’t care about anything other than Even. Not when they kissed, not as they fell asleep in each other’s arms, not even as he woke up. Alone. He searched the bed for a drawing, like last time, but he couldn’t find one and there was a brief moment of horror where he thought Even had left him without saying goodbye. But when he exited his room and heard voices coming from the kitchen, voices that he knew belonged to Eskild, Noora and, it must be, Even. And surely, as he reached the kitchen his housemates were talking to Even who seemed to be cooking, and as Even noticed him his face lit up so brightly, and he kissed Isak so sweetly that Isak almost forgot there were other people in the room. 

He was confused, yet glad Even was still around, and once Eskild and Noora had left he took the liberty to tell him, and ask if Sonja knew where he was. Even’s voice got serious when he told Isak to forget about Sonja, that they had broken up and Isak bit his tongue but couldn’t keep anything to himself anymore.

“Well, the last time you said that, you were kissing her two days later. It’s not that easy for me to forget about her, Even.”

Even didn’t look at him, just kept his voice stern and explained how Sonja thought she knew how Even felt, though Even felt that no one could ever understand the way he’s feeling. And Isak agreed, still a little wary but that was soon turned around when Even leaned in, whispering _“I’ve never felt anything, quite like this, ever.”_ And Isak whispered back _“me neither”_. And then they laughed and sang and kissed and everything felt good again. Everything was falling into place, and Isak had reconnected himself with almost everyone he loved, the cracks repairing themselves bit by bit. 

And things continued going well all through the week. Isak even accepted his father’s invitation to a Christmas concert and mentioned Even being his boyfriend, even though his dad wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. Things were looking good, and Isak got to finally introduce Even to his friends and it went well. Magnus putting him through slight embarrassment but it was all for the best, and even though Sonja had called him and Even had told her not to, and that Sonja only wanted to manipulate him because she didn’t like people who were free and real, Isak didn’t feel bothered, because he finally felt like his life was making sense. 

 

***

It wasn’t until Friday that things began going to shit. Even though Even had drawn a heart in the window and placed an ‘i’ inside. Even though Even didn’t want to go home to Isak’s but instead check into a hotel suite. Even though he’d called Isak _‘my beautiful’_ in front of the receptionist at hotel and then kissed him in the elevator on the way up. Even though they’d had sex for the first time and Even had kissed him so passionately and so hungrily, and even though they’d ordered hamburgers and Even talked about their future wedding. Even though Even said that to have something for infinite time you had to lose it, and even though Even hadn’t slept one minute while Isak snored soundly. 

Because even though they’d had the time of their lives, the bubble Isak was inhabiting burst when Even decided to go outside naked in the middle of the night. 

Isak opened his eyes, confused at what had just happened, but was quick on his feet to shout after Even and when he realized Even had left he was even quicker to follow. Panicking and calling Sonja for help because he didn’t know what else to do. So many thoughts were rushing through his head, his mind screaming _you should’ve seen it coming!_ Everything was falling apart again, and Isak was on the brink of crying when he saw Sonja get out of a taxi and he practically begged her to tell him what was going on. But as soon as she did, everything fell apart even more, because Even was bipolar and not really in love with Isak at all. And Isak couldn’t speak or think or even function anymore, no, he just wanted to sink through the ground and disappear, because how did he not see the symptoms and warning signs? How did he let it slip past him, how, how, how? 

He got himself home, forcing the tears back until he was in the safety of his room and then letting them fall like the Niagara Falls. Eskild was there to support and comfort but Isak wanted to just be left alone, feeling himself slip back into old habits of isolating himself but he didn’t care. He wanted to place the leash back around his neck but instead he created a noose because what good did that leash ever really do. He didn’t want to be anywhere, he didn’t want to exist, he just wanted to die right then and there. 

But instead he fell asleep. And when he woke up the next morning he had calmed down, not wanting anything bad anymore, simply just to understand. He googled bipolar disorder and mania and depression and read as much as he could so that he could somehow at least _try_ to get what Even was going through. But he found it difficult, and when receiving text after text from Even, all seeming to be song lyrics, he told him to stop. Because he couldn’t take it right now, he just needed time to think. 

He stayed home on Monday, taking one day extra to just, breathe, and on Tuesday he found comfort in his friends, and remembering the school nurse’s words, he decided not to be like Ibiza and told them what had happened. Magnus laughed, amused by the terror Isak had experienced which vexed him, questioning why he thought it was funny. Isak didn’t expect Magnus to understand, but when Magnus began talking about his mother and her being bipolar as well, Isak realized he’d been wrong. 

And if Isak was honest with himself, Magnus was the reason he even thought about calling Even, and he was so thankful that he’d found someone who understood and had experience with this kind of thing. So Isak called. Got no answer. Sighed, and when his phone started ringing a few seconds later his hope raised and fell in one brief moment as the screen read ‘Dad’. Though he answered and his father asked him if he was coming on Friday and he said yes and his dad wondered about his boyfriend and Isak told him it was all a joke. But it wasn’t, and as his dad mumbled out a response, Isak couldn’t bear to lie anymore, because he did not want to be Ibiza. So he told him that it wasn’t a joke, just over, and his dad asked him if he was sad and he said no though the tears were burning behind his eyes and once he couldn’t keep them in anymore he said goodbye and hung up and dried his eyes, because he didn’t want to cry, because he didn’t want to believe it was over. 

So later, when he’d calmed himself down and rewritten the message he’d decided to send Even a hundred times, he let out a relieved breath as he pressed send. Simply telling him that he hoped he was doing alright and to make a peep when he felt like it. No pressure, or anything like it, because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Even.

 

***

When Friday came around he still hadn’t heard from Even, a little worried, but not wanting to push. Instead he focused on the concert he was attending with his parents, this being the first time he’d seen them since he moved out, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. And as the concert was about to start, he received a text, his heart skipping a beat when he realized it was from Even, and he read it and he smiled and he could feel his heart smiling too because Even had ended with _I love you_. 

He took a seat in a church pew and listened as a man was singing O Holy Night and suddenly everything came back to him. Every moment they’d shared, every kiss, every touch, all of playing backwards in his mind, leading up to the time they’d first met and sat together outside school smoking. Even was there, according to his text. Even had apologized and written that he never wanted to hurt Isak. Even’s text sounded an awful lot like a suicide note and it Isak no hesitation this time, to get up and follow the boy he loved. Running as fast as he could all the way to their school, the memories still playing in his head and he barely noticed that he was out of breath once he reached the bench.

But Even wasn’t there. His head filled with questions but he didn’t have time to answer a single one as he noticed a door opening to his right, and then his eyes met Even’s and he looked so _broken_. Isak stared for a moment, realizing he’d longed for this way longer than he thought, and wanting nothing more than to hold Even in his arms. So he walked toward him, not too fast, not too slowly, and Even walked too and they met in the middle and Isak shivered as he felt Even’s skin against his own. He rubbed his nose against Even’s, just _feeling_ him healing all and every wound on Isak’s body. And he placed his hands softly on each side of Even’s face and spoke quietly.

“You’re not alone.”

And Even’s eyes fell to Isak’s lips before he closed them, and Isak didn’t let go of Even, wanting him so badly but not wanting to push. So he kept their faces close, close, waiting a moment before he leaned in and put his lips softly against Even’s, and Even kissed back and Isak wanted to hold him forever as he put his arms around him and hugged him as tightly as he could. 

 

The following morning, Isak woke up early, though he barely slept at all, keeping his eyes glued to Even who was lying there so peaceful, finally sleeping. He texted Sonja telling her that Even was with him in case his parents were worried, but when Sonja called back and told him Even had messaged them, Isak felt relief, yet surprised. Sonja apologized for what she’d said to him a week ago, and Isak who’d rather put that behind them forgave her instantly. All that mattered now was Even, and he asked if there was anything he could do for him, because even though he had no clue, he wanted to understand so badly. And Sonja helped him, or at least tried to, as the only thing he could really do was simply to be there, and Isak swore he’d never leave. 

Even when Even woke up, depressed and certain that their relationship wouldn’t work. Even when he said that eventually, he’d hurt Isak, and that Isak would grow to hate him for it. Even though Even’s words nearly made Isak cry, he listened to Sonja’s words. And he stayed and he told Even that he couldn’t possibly know how this would end, he had no idea how their story would reach its finish. So he decided to take everything minute by minute, not worrying about the future because they didn’t need to. And Even though Isak’s form had grown away from Even’s he felt closer to him than ever. And he realized that clinging onto someone else’s life instead of living your own wasn’t worth it, because everyone’s got different stories – their own stories – and there is no way to fit perfectly with another person

 

Isak asked his housemates to look after Even when he was in school, and they gladly did which Isak would never stop thanking them for. And Isak spent every second he could with Even, seeing him go from depressed to okay and he hated leaving for school but loved coming home. At last to a smiling, laughing Even. And things were once again falling into place. 

So when Vilde asked if he could host Kosegruppa’s Christmas party, he said yes without hesitation, because he had no reason to say no. And if he were to be honest, he looked forward to seeing everyone, his friends that he’d missed and pushed away, that he wanted to reconnect with, but not grow stuck to. And everything seemed fine. Even when he told Even about the party, and after Even told Isak that he’d joined Kosegruppa solely to meet him and when Isak asked if Even had seen him before that first meeting and when Even answered.

“Yes. I saw you on the first day of school.”

Isak was happy, no beyond happy, he was euphoric, because all that time he spent pining after Even, Even had done the exact same thing. And why this made him so fuzzy inside, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he had Even, and he wasn’t going anywhere. 

 

And then it was Friday and Isak’s apartment turned into something resembling a Christmas workshop, but he didn’t mind. Because he was surrounded by his friends, by the people he loved the most, and he’d found reason, meaning to his life. More importantly, he’d found his story, and he’d lived it, he’d _lived_ , and that was truly the greatest Christmas gift of all. And though he was no longer shaped according to someone else and their life and story, he’d taken the form of himself, not needing to be physically attached to his friends to keep their bonds, but making sure they remained strong through communication. For he’d sworn to himself that he would never become Ibiza again, that when he wanted to escape and isolate himself, he’d work through it, and never pick up his leash again, instead allowing him to live freely. He’d decided that no matter what he believed in – no matter what anyone believed in – the one thing that remained certain for all of them, was that life is now, and he was in no rush, whatsoever, to see where his story would lead him next.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for reading! Feedback is always appreciated, as usual, and if you're feeling especially kind (or if you've got a prompt you'd like written) you can reach me on tumblr @sprinkleofharries (bc i still don't know how tf you link stuff on here)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it <3


End file.
